In honor of Rick Santorum’s withdrawal
I’d like to repost my Seussian ode to Santorum:
We all know Rick Santorum, that laughable twit
The existence of gays gets him in such a snit
On marriage and sex and relationships queer,
He’s made himself famous for stirring up fear
If you aren’t straight, then his stance is quite clear:
You deserve but a sneer and a jeer and a smear.
For years up in Congress, this served him quite well
Back then, bashing gays was a guaranteed sell
To whip up your base in a grand frothy mix,
Despising the queers was the greatest of tricks
“They’re a threat to us all!” Nothing more need be said,
Before riding to victory on dark waves of dread.
So you’d think, indispensable as this trick was,
It consistently keeps all the voters abuzz
Yet this was not to be, to our shock and surprise
For it seems the electorate opened their eyes
No more can Santorum turn hate into clout
The wedge has been blunted - the froth has run out!
And now our friend Rick finds himself quite harassed,
For he’s dogged by his history, stuck in the past
As he strains to catch up, he may soon be outclassed
In a world where, for once, bigots might come in last.
He’s jumped into this year’s Republican mire
To be our dear leader, Santorum aspires
But the hateful cliches he once called solid ground
Will not be enough to make him the one crowned.
At campaign stops all over, poor Rick has been chased
By his own phobic stain that just won’t be erased
In South Carolina, it came down the wire,
A supporter had asked him a question most dire
This mother was cheering for Rick all the way -
But what would she say to her son who is gay?
Standing right at his side, his wife Karen piped in
To tell us how "vilified" Rick has now been
By dastardly activists gay as a blade,
Who are "bullying" him for his righteous crusade
He "doesn’t hate anyone," Karen opined,
Then Rick himself gave us a piece of his mind:
It’s mere "policy difference," and it’s not his fault
If we think that’s “personal” or an “assault”
He “loves everyone”, Rick Santorum insists,
It’s just that gay marriages shouldn’t exist
“Accept everybody,” that’s what he’s “called to”
So this hullabaloo is undue and untrue.
Such hate and revulsion, he’s clearly above,
But let’s see how Santorum has shown us his love…
Back in 2003, in an AP report,
His remarks were of such a remarkable sort
Addressing gay marriage, that bane of his life,
He insists matrimony must be man and wife
"It’s not man on child," the senator said,
It’s not “man on dog” - no, not even purebred.
Presumably also it’s not man on frog,
It’s not man on building, it’s not man on bog,
It’s not man on tree, man on tripe, man on tram,
And it’s certainly not man on green eggs and ham
So whatever the case, mill or mare or Manx cat,
It can only be woman and man, and that’s that.
And further, he said with his mouth tinged in foam,
There’s no right to consensual sex in your home
Against sodomy laws, there can be no sound case
If you’re gay, don’t have sex! And remember your place,
Right next to the barnyard and NAMBLA’s home base.
So I guess that’s the “policy difference” of Rick
He says that’s not personal? I say: You dick!
Perhaps you forgot that we’re people with lives,
We’re partners, we’re families, we’re husbands, we’re wives
We even have children to raise in this land,
And so we will not stand to live under your hand!
But I’m sure we’re alright - no, we’re not in poor shape
If our whole country thinks we’re as bad as child rape
And I’m certain you really do like us, of course,
When you say that our love is like sex with a horse
If people should ever believe what you say,
What effect could that possibly have on my day?
And what would you think if I said, with a smile,
“I love you, you rapist! I love you, zoophile!”
Would that seem sincere and resoundingly true?
It doesn’t sound much better coming from you.
So let’s all take pity on poor bullied Rick,
Who thinks we’re no better than screwing a tick
Poor vilified homophobe, Christian and straight,
And legally married in all fifty states
He loves everyone! So call off the attack,
I’m sure you’re all making him feel quite blah.